Daddy’s Tiring Day

7:00 – wake up, change a nappy, collect my senses because my eyes are definitely still shut. Wake up daddy from the spare room.

7:10 – reassure my child that breakfast is imminent, followed by a cuddle and raspberries in the belly if I’m feeling awake enough to not fall over.

7:11 Рpick up my child and feel the pain that is forgetting to put my hair up. Examine clump of hair child had removed from head. Take child into living room where cebeebies will be put on without a seconds hesitation, followed by setting up the cr̬che for the day.

7:30 – enjoy a moments silence while the child is in a trance from Mike the Knight and take this as a precious 5 minutes to scroll through Facebook and reply to emails.

8:00 – breakfast time. Pain stakingly prepare food so it is just the correct size and portion for the child’s little hands and tummy, also ensuring it is nutritionally balanced and adventurous. Kiss daddy goodbye while he leaves for work.

8:10 – watch child throw avocado on wholemeal toast on the floor, then listen to the tantrum to follow because the food is not in their hands and/or mouth and/or in their hair.

8:30 – give up with breakfast, encourage child to watch Wuzzywat on the telly while you baby wipe all surfaces, including the child.

9:00 – nap time.

9:05 – listen to Jeremy kyle while cleaning. Pain stakingly prepare healthy nibbles for child to tide them over between meals.

10:00 – nap time is over, change volcanic eruption that is the child’s nappy.

10:05 – watch a film with child, most likely Frozen (for the 7th time in the last 3 days).

10:15 – give up watching film, the child is no longer interested; instead they want to eat your phone.

10:16 – say no, discipline is good, it teaches them that you are the boss.

10:17 – sit through the most violent wobbly you will experience for the day.

10:18 – offer cucumber stick. Cucumber stick is refused and thrown in anger on the carpet.

10:19 – offer another cucumber stick.

10:20 – give up and offer a biscuit.

10:21 – enjoy film, playing with toys and half a mushy biscuit.

12:30 – lunchtime, make a delicious cheese spread sandwich cut into fingers, with delicious fruit and veg to go with it.

12:40 – give child the delicious meal, repeat breakfast routine.

13:00 – naptime. Yes.

13:05 – tidy up lunch, wash up, cry because daddy is not going to be home for at least another 5 hours. Daddy calls to ask how day is, explain it is From hell then listen to his words of wisdom “tell the child daddy will tell him off if he carries on when I get home!” Ok daddy. Daddy is the best.

13:10 – prepare dinner, sit down and go through phone replying to more emails and stare at Facebook.

14:10 – take a shower.

14:15 – child wakes up as you step into shower. Shower is now off the cards. Naptime is over.

14:35 – go for a walk after getting dressed.

15:00 – get as far as the park then remember you’ve left nibbles at home, panic and make a beeline for the shop, buy unhealthy nibbles from the shop.

15:30 – enjoy the park for a while. Start to gather bellongings because child has decided this truly is the worst day ever and is causing a scene over their shoe falling off while on the swing.

15:45 – leave the park while other parents stare at you in disgust. Clock the one woman who also has a screaming child and exchange smiles with one another.

16:15 – get home, time for another nap. YES.

17:00 – naptime is over, watch more cebeebies.

17:30 – receive text from daddy, daddy is stuck in traffic and won’t be home for another 2 hours.

17:31 – resist urge to file for divorce. Remember that tom hardy loves you in your head and that’s all that matters.

18:00 – dinner time, repeat breakfast and lunch time routine.

18:20 – watch child slowly fall asleep in high chair.

18:21 – wake child up and prepare bath time.

18:30 – bath time.

19:00 – bed time, child has massage, hears a story, has a cuddle, a bottle of warm milk and finally goes to sleep.

19:15 – stare at child because you love them so much it hurts.

19:20 – drink a double gin and tonic.

19:21 – drink another double gin and tonic.

19:30 – eat dinner alone.

20:00 – daddy is home. Talk about one another’s day, listen to daddy mumble about how hard life is sitting at a desk answering the phone and sending letters. Listen to daddy yawn because daddy is tired. Bite tongue and resist the urge to punch daddy in the throat.

21:00 – think about watching a film, give up and decide to go to bed.

21:10 – run a bubble bath.

21:20 – walk into bathroom, daddy is in the bath.

21:21 – try not to cry while listening to daddy express his gratitude for running him a bath.

21:30 – get Into daddy’s bath water. Quickly scrub child snot off body then get ready for bed.

22:00 – go to bed, head touches pillow and drift off to sleep.

22:00:30 – child wakes up.

22:20 – go back to bed.

00:00 – child wakes up.

00:20 – go back to bed.

3:00 – child has a nightmare, bring child to bed with you.

3:20 – kick daddy out into the spare room. Haha. Bye daddy you massive dick.

5:00 – child’s razor sharp toenail pierces through the skin on your face.

7:00 – wake up, wake up daddy so he can get ready for his long day at work.

Thank you to my friends for helping me with this blog post, I am a single parent and do not have a tired daddy – and if you’re a tired daddy take a moment to read this and appreciate the mother of your child. Her day has been longer and more tiring than yours, so let her get in the bath first.

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In The Night Garden – An Alternate Script

The Pinky Ponk is experiencing uncontrollable diarrhoea while the Ninky Nonk is having an unfortunate come down after a wild night with the lads. Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy are enjoying a quiet pot of tea together while listening to the Titifers.

Iggle Piggle: How are you feeling today dear? Are you still experiencing that morning sickness?

Upsy Daisy: I’m so unwell Iggle, I’m thinking it’s time to get a test, just to be sure.

Iggle Piggle: What do you mean take a test? You told me you had the coil!

Upsy Daisy: This isn’t the first time this has happened… I said I was on the coil to put your mind at rest.

Iggle Piggle: You mean you’ve had a pregnancy scare before?

Upsy Daisy goes pale, she begins to stutter.

Upsy Daisy: There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while now, please don’t get mad it was a mistake.

Iggle Piggle: You mean there’s more? More lies? More deception? What am I supposed to do if you’re pregnant, Daisy? I can’t support a family! My waged with the BBC barely covers the rent!

Upsy Daisy: I’m sorry, please don’t be mad, I love you!

Iggle Piggle: Just tell me. Rip the stitches out quickly.

Upsy Daisy: Me and Maka Pakka… it happened years ago… the tombliboos… they’re our children.

Iggle Piggle spits his tea everywhere in a blind rage.

Iggle Piggle: We’ve been together for 6 years, Daisy, the tombliboos are 3!

Upsy Daisy: It was a mistake! We decided not to tell you because you were off shore on business for a year! Please don’t do anything! I love you, and Maka Pakka is your best friend!

Iggle Piggle: I was going to propose to you this year Daisy. You’ve broken my heart.

Iggle Piggle storms to Makka Pakas cave, Makka Paka is licking rocks.

Iggle Piggle: Maka Pakka you scumbag show your face!

Maka Pakka waddles out his cave, confused.

Iggle Piggle: You slept with Daisy you pig. You were supposed to be my best friend and you betrayed me. Say goodbye to your contract with cebeebies. You are finished!

Upsy Daisy: Iggle please! It was a mistake! I love you!

Iggle Piggle slaps Upsy Daisy.

Iggle Piggle: We’re finished. I’ll move your stuff out my boat and leave it on the bandstand. I hope you two have a happy life with your family.

Upsy Daisy collapses on the floor, sobbing.

Maka Pakka: Maka Pakka!

Cuts to the end of the episode, Iggle Piggle ties rocks to his feet and unable to live with the knowledge of Upsy Daisy’s unfaithfulness he jumps off his boat to the bottom of the sea.

The End